Regina Spektor anyone? I’m going to start out by saying I never thought I would be talking about depression and my wedding in the same breath. I do have a lot of anxiety, but I was so excited to be planning the day that was going to start the rest of Mr. Sea Monkey and I’s life.
We hit a few bumps in the road that made me upset for a bit, but I was really good about taking a second to dwell on them, taking a few deep breaths and then moving on to finding a solution. I handled that a lot better than I thought I would.
No, the depression I felt was deeper than could ever be from getting upset over something going wrong. This just seemed to come out of nowhere. I suddenly felt nothing but sadness whenever it came to the wedding.
Photo by Mr. SM at a local lake
You’ll notice once the date starts slowly creeping forward, everyone turns their focus on your wedding. All conversations are wedding-focused and full of smiles. Looking back, my depression started creeping in when the following conversation was happening at least three or four times a day.
It quickly went from:
“Oh, you’re getting married soon. That’s so exciting. How are you feeling about it? Scared? I bet you’re really nervous!”-Them
“Yeah, I can’t believe it’s almost here. I’ve been so busy planning, I hadn’t really thought about my feelings.”-Me
To (after about the twentieth time):
“Oh, you’re getting married soon. That’s so exciting. How are you feeling about it? Scared? I bet you’re really nervous!”?-Them
“Yeah, it’s coming up soon and I’m so ready for it to be over “-Me
I couldn’t believe it, I had lost my spark. I dreaded having the inevitable conversation about my wedding and I couldn’t stand to think about it. People would shoot me a look and I couldn’t even describe my feelings to them.
What was worse was the further I was sinking into the pre wedding depression hole, the happier Mr. Sea Monkey seemed about our big day. The guilt was eating at me, because he was telling everyone how excited he was and I was telling them I was over it. What a great person I was, eh?
I was a zombie for weeks and I finally had a breakdown one night. All I could do was cry and I didn’t even know why. Mr. SM stood right by me like a trooper. He took me out to get a milkshake that next night and we just sat by the lake and ate them under the stars.
Looking back now, I realize what brought me to my downfall: I had let the wedding define me. Somewhere in the mix of finding venues, making invitations, painting fans and trying to please everyone, I lost my identity. I spent so much free time planning the wedding, I forgot to be human in the process.
I have since realized that it’s okay to live my life AND plan the wedding. I am now back to my human self and I am also getting excited about marrying my best friend in a few weeks. I may still be filling my time with the wedding, but I make sure I am not getting burnt out. If I feel like I am, I take a break.
I also have made some purchases for myself for the wedding. I ordered a beautiful sweatshirt from etsy to surprise Mr. SM with and a swimsuit for the beach.
Sweatshirt made by Heidi Louise Designs/Personal Photo
I felt so alone in my depression and thought I was horrible or getting cold feet. I’ve since learned that pre, and even post, wedding depression is a real thing. You are not alone in it and it is fairly normal. If we weren’t anxious and nervous about big life changes, we wouldn’t be human.
My advice? Plan your wedding, but don’t burn yourself out. It’s okay to take some time for yourself every now and again. We are so much more than a wedding or wedding crafts. We are people.
Who else felt this way?